The daily commute

The boat ride home is fast becoming one of my favourite times of the day. The feeling of walking down from the hill and heaving my aching body onto the boat is cleansing. I love to sit hanging off the back and listen to the engines pulse and the wind hiss as we cut it for home. The boat is a remarkable thing, sleek and powerful with two large turbocharged engines providing forwards motion at an alarming rate. It has the same value as a small country and inhales fuel at a fantastic speed. None of us are ever likely to own anything as valuable or magnificent or needy but we take it for granted every day.

It is not the superb transport which makes me so appreciative of my daily commute, however. The trip has turned into a sublime time to unwind. It’s the longest possible time before I have to battle the steep terrain and its awkward quirks as we try to punch a ride-able trail into the thing. I can sit on the back of the boat, turn my music up loud, feel the wind in my face and take in a special part of a ruggedly beautiful country.

And it is remarkable country. The inlet is the perfect size. It’s huge but it doesn’t feel like it. In shape it is long and thin and bent slightly. The mountains loom above you on either side, thickly covered by Canadian rainforest at their lower reaches. Cedars, Douglas Firs and Hemlocks thickly coat the hillside. Some are many hundreds of years old and truly enormous. In many places the hills are almost sheer and there are waterfalls which begin suddenly and spill in thin wispy streams into the sea.  From up in the hills it is easy to mistake the inlet for a large lake. It’s just that flat and still all the time, and when the weather is good its surface hosts the most beautiful clear reflections of the surrounding hills.

By late afternoon the thick fog of the morning has usually cleared away. The air is crisp and cool. Strands of mist hang to the trees in streaky patches. It looks like the hillside is breathing from hundreds of openings on a cold day, but the steaming exhalation has sunk and settled tranquil over clumps of thick coniferous growth. Higher up there is snow on the peaks, draped over the mountaintops in thick sheets. Trees are painted white by the snow as they resolutely wait for the brief summer to come. Everything is white or grey or green. It should appear dull but somehow it manages to be exquisite. I like the days like this the best.

As I look around it is easy to see wildlife everywhere. There are seabirds, mostly. The seagulls sit on the water, unfazed by the raw call of the boat’s engines as it rips past. A strange small type of duck flocks together and flees in raggedy v’s as we near them.  Seals submerge or surface effortlessly, thriving in the cold salty water. Sometimes a bald eagle is visible, running some mysterious errand in the sky. Closer to the shore, large orange starfish can be seen blooming on the rocks in the shallows.

The job has a lot of downsides. But I guess jobs do. At least with this situation, all of the negatives wash away at times. Especially when the air is clear and the scent of the sea spray is strong. It is cause for happiness, at least temporary. It’s enough.

Mykol J. Hayverstock’s guide to true happiness.

Recently I read a misguided and sad attempt to promote happiness in others, a ‘how to’ type thing. It was just awful. The author was clearly an idiot. He didn’t get anything right. He promoted idiot ideas like enjoying the little things and having goals. Idiot! I laughed so hard I sprayed my keyboard with coffee from all of the air-holes in my face.

Here is how to be really happy. There is only one correct way and this is it. So settle in oxygen wasters, and learn some extreme wisdom from the master himself.

First of all, mouthbreathers, happiness comes from having things. Lots of things. Shiny things. Loud things. Expensive things. Big colorful things. Without having lots of things, there is no way you can ever be truly happy. It’s so obvious. It shows your excellence as a person. Possessions will allow you to be the person you have always wanted to be. Chase those items and you will never look back. Society encourages us to accumulate a lot of precious things at every opportunity and society is never wrong.

To acquire these things you will need lots of money. So to be happy you must have a well-paying job. Probably this means you will need to wear a suit every day and work in a big impressive office building. Come on you colostomy bags, this stuff is obvious. You know you’ve really done well when your job uses a lot of acronyms every day. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what they mean, no-one else does either. The important thing is that you make lots of friends at your work. Then you can talk to them about the acronyms that you don’t understand and they don’t either. Make sure you talk slightly down to them though, because they are competition on your way to the top – and more money. Remember, money makes you happy and also buys things which makes you happy, so you should be fair scrambling to get to the top.

Not only that, it gives you status, which is the third thing you need to be a happy and complete human being. This is better than your barely mammalian current state, trust me. Status means you can lord it up over people. Your power and popularity will fill you with a satisfying warm feeling. It isn’t undeserved smugness. It’s just how it feels when everyone knows of your unending excellence.

With status comes a lot of attention. So to best bask in that attention you need to possess the best Hollywood body you can. Turn that flab into firmness meatbag! Looking good will make you happier with yourself. If it’s too hard to get into proper shape the old school way (and let’s face it, it probably is) its okay. Remember that happy money you’ve been accumulating? The magic numbers in your bank account which leave you feeling tingly inside? Well they can be put to use to pay for fun surgeries which will take the bad stuff away from your body and insert fake bits which are more suitable for a real human being. What a treat!

By this stage you are no doubt pretty damn happy. But there is one more step. You need to find an Aphrodite to your Adonis (or vice versa. I’m new age and firmly believe that woman can be happy too. Equal rights and all that noise). Base this decision entirely on physical appearance. Personality is like the beams and stuff inside a house, where as appearance is like the wallpaper, stucco and ornamental fish pond. You can’t even see the beams and things so they can’t be important. You’d buy the house with the nice light fittings and expensive tiling wouldn’t you? So share your life with the human equivalent. Because happiness is looking good together in photos in front of famous things.

So it’s simple. Stuff. Money. Appearance. Status. Hottie. Those are the things you need for happiness, stuffed into a handy anagram, SMASH (remember this one). Apply these teachings to 

100 words

A foray into fiction with a 100 word story. It seems boredom is a strange beast.

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The street light flickers.

She’s a tight-body in a tight red dress, with her dark hair curled. She wears a shade too much make-up. It makes her look like a lady of ill repute- the desired effect.

A station wagon stops. The conversation's muted. Inside the wagon is darkness except for a glowing cigarette end. She shows a trace of pink tongue across pert red lips as she softly speaks. She gets in.

Next stop: an empty parking building. He’s hard already. She breathes on him gently. He doesn’t expect the thin knife-blade going into his throat. She moans, satisfied.

Treachery of the flesh

The body is a traitorous thing. Sometimes it feels like no amount of manipulation can make it do quite what you want it to. Then there’s the look of the thing. It can be a constant source of depression for some. Others seem to be captivated by their appearance. The only reliable thing about a body is that everybody gets one.

They’re a tough thing to treat right. It's a lot to consider. Food and exercise, obviously. Getting this right is like advanced calculus. Sure it’s possible and some people can do it. But for most of us, it’s all confusion and magic. On top of that there are factors such as sleep, recovery times, the relationship between body and mind, environmental conditions, sex and no doubt many others that have an effect on the meat sack. Keeping the old girl running mint can be a tough ask.

Pretend there’s a spectrum of body care. At one end is the well-cared for body: eating right, sleeping well, exercising lots, the right shape and weight. Everything functions impeccably. At the other end is the neglected body: basically think of your typical student lifestyle, and then make them fatter and greasier. The average chump fits in somewhere in the middle.

I’ve run at a few different spots along the spectrum. Once upon a time I was 110kg’s, a wannabe alcoholic who ate infrequently and badly and slept irregularly and rarely during the night. My body wasn’t a good place to be. I have also been 72kg’s, eating well and exercising compulsively. I felt lean and efficient, everything worked spotlessly and life was a zephyr which I floated upon.

At the moment I am somewhere in between – but leaning slightly towards the sharp end of things. The physical me gets a lot of use and plenty of good zees. My diet is out of my handslargely but it could be worse. I am carrying more weight than I should but it’s nothing uncouth. I’d like it to be better though and have been working towards it.

And here’s where the treachery comes into play. Even though I am trying to eat less, do more, and target some specific muscle building, I see little improvement. The body is stubbornly trying to stay in its current state. Despite what I’m doing, I haven’t provided enough activation energy to make the reaction start. I’m speaking in (vaguely) chemistry terms because to me it seems a bit like a relevant parallel. Things just want to stay in their current state.

And then there are the things I can’t control. The physical appearance. The abundance of hair. The hand-eye coordination. The bone and facial structure. It’s a bit cavemanesque. Not to mention the small hands and feet, inflexible fingers and spindly arms. It could drive a man back to drink.

Having said that I love my body (I don’t mean it like that you sickos). It’s gotten me through 24 years of living, many of them good. And I do what I can to care for it. I only get the one and that makes me think some care should be taken. Besides, life is better when you look after yourself. It’s not just a thing smug healthy people say. So I’ll do what I can, even though I often don’t know if what I’m doing helps.

Michael J. Hayward's guide to happiness

"The J stands for Jolly"

Believe it or not, I tend to be a rather cheerful person - regardless of whether life has been stamping repeatedly on my gonads. Sure I might complain some, but just to make the days go by. I guess I prescribe to ‘gloomy optimism’. And it works for me. My life is superb.

But it wasn’t always this way, oh no. As a teenager and into my early twenties, a mild depression was the parrot on my shoulder. While some of it was likely age related, I’m convinced that a lot was not. Amongst other things, it led to an alcohol problem that impacted negatively on years of my younger life.

Something had to change, and it did. Honestly, a lot of it was mind-set. I had to want to change. It took a while to find what worked for me. I see a lot of sadness about and it isn’t the goods. What works for me may not be for you. But hell, maybe it’ll help. So here is my guide to my happiness.

Enjoy the little things - daily.

There’s always going to be things which happen during the course of your day which are smileworthy - a nice view, a cup of coffee, getting out of the rain and cold. Just yesterday I enjoyed all of these and more. I was truly happy about it. It was more than enough to make my day good. Enjoying the little things keeps you positive.

Life goes in swings and roundabouts.

Yeah there are some shitty bits in everyone’s life. It happens to the best of us. These bits just add texture. You need a bit of crunch. The bad times give you the context so you can appreciate when life’s great. On the flipside, because life goes in cycles, when things seem bleak you always know an upwards swing is coming at some stage. So when life gives you a shit sandwich, pick up a fork and tuck in. The sooner you finish, the sooner you can use mouthwash.

You gots to chill.

When things happen, they’re almost never as bad as they seem. So take it easy. If you can change it, do something about it. If you can’t, work with it. There’s no room for worry there. Just relax and let things resolve themselves - because they inevitably will. If you’re chilled they’ll probably work out better for you. So keep that blood pressure down.

Do the things you enjoy.

Or at least do things that make it possible to do the things you enjoy later. If all you have in life is work and you hate your job, you’re going to be miserable. My point is, find something you really love doing and ensure you create time to do it. Regularly. All work and no play makes Jack a bland, sad little man, so to avoid becoming Jack make sure you play as much as you realistically can.

Take life as it is.

Wishing for things isn’t going to get you anywhere. Fantasy belongs in fiction. Cope with life as it is, not as you wish it could be. The sooner you view life in real terms, the sooner you realise it ain’t so bad after all.

Work towards something.

Have a project, goal, or vague dream and take some steps towards it. It doesn’t need to be much but you want something to get you out of bed in the morning. Take steps to make it happen. If you want to go travelling, set up an account you can’t touch and put away some pennies. Look into where you want to go. Make a move, make some plans. make a schedule; make things happen.

Take some risks

Obviously I don’t mean doing anything life threatening, just getting out of the old comfort zone. No risk, no reward. Worst case scenario is you learn something from it. So what’s stopping you?

Like I said, these things may not work for you as well as they work for me. But something will, you just have to find what it is. It may not be easy and it may take time but I believe everyone is capable of getting themselves to a state of relative happiness. And if my experiences are anything to go by, then it will multiply. You owe it to yourself to spend some time and effort working out what makes you happy.

The Rain

The rain,

no, the Rain,

it comes down like god pissing after a six-pack,

but we are safe inside.

Until we are not safe anymore,

we have responsibilities,

we must meet them,

but first, breakfast.

The pounding of the Rain on the hood of my jacket,

It should be all I can hear – it isn’t,

my music is loud,

It drowns out the Rain.

But I can feel the Rain.

Where there was no stream,

now a stream flows,

streams have become rivers,

and the rivers, well, a new word is needed.

My feet were once warm and dry,

I remember it well,

it was not long ago,

I hope it is not so far away.

Wet tools slip from wet gloves wrapping wet hands,

dark mud and darker skies,

it is everywhere, the water and mud,

and it makes life difficult.

A soggy sandwich under a leaking tarp,

muted conversation,

the end in sight,

for another day.

Fat droplets from tree leaves,

and thin ones from the turbulent skies,

feel equally bad running down the neck,

through a working man’s afternoon.

Eventually the day ends,

or the outdoor part, at least,

and as gear is hung up to dry it is hoped,

that tomorrow will be different.

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I was reading some Bukowski and it made me think I'd have a crack at a poem. I don't think I'm about to become a poet laureate for anywhere any time soon but it was  kind of fun to write. Imay have a try at another sometime.

Words and beginnings

Words. They keep the world going round. Society couldn’t function in its current form without the tricky little buggers. A man who is good with words seems to have it all his own way sometimes. Make no mistake - for all their potential for treachery, words are important.

I’m always impressed whenever I read anything that’s cleverly written. All those letters lined up in neat little rows and my, if they don’t fit together so damn well. An excess of words to choose from and it feels like the author has picked just the right ones. They belong together. The sentence clicks and it swings, man. My brain feels like its fizzing.

So I love to read well written stuff. But deep down I want to be on the other side. I want to be able to drop the Mentos in through the reader’s eyes and shake it with the Coke in their brain. I want to be able to take any topic and make it sound interesting enough to make the reader do something. I want to cause some of those emotion-type things that we humans are seemingly so in to. Hell, I’d settle for being entertaining.

But words are hard to work with. They don’t want to do what you so desperately want them to. I read what I’ve written and it sounds lame in my head. It’s off-putting. It lacks that polish and flair that makes those great articles really excite me. I lose my enthusiasm.

Well I guess it’s like anything. People aren’t just naturally great at stuff. Popular pseudo-science tells us that to become an expert, you need to do something 10,000 times, or for 10,000 hours. I can’t remember which. Regardless, what that means is the only thing I can be considered expert at is breathing – and even then I sometimes choke on my own spit.

What I’m getting at though is that practice is required to improve in anything. I want to get better at using the written word. It ain’t all that hard to see what I need to do. So here’s me taking steps. For this year, I aim to write at least one thing a week. A thing of my choosing, whatever takes my fancy. By the end there should be 52 assemblies of words to show for my efforts.

Ideally there will also be signs of improvement. Maybe I can one day be on the other side. Maybe I can make someone’s brain fizz.