Recently I read a misguided and sad attempt
to promote happiness in others, a ‘how to’ type thing. It was just awful. The
author was clearly an idiot. He didn’t get anything right. He promoted idiot
ideas like enjoying the little things and having goals. Idiot! I laughed so
hard I sprayed my keyboard with coffee from all of the air-holes in my face.
Here is how to be really happy. There is
only one correct way and this is it. So settle in oxygen wasters, and learn some
extreme wisdom from the master himself.
First of all, mouthbreathers, happiness
comes from having things. Lots of things. Shiny things. Loud things. Expensive
things. Big colorful things. Without having lots of things, there is no way you
can ever be truly happy. It’s so obvious. It shows your excellence as a person.
Possessions will allow you to be the person you have always wanted to be. Chase
those items and you will never look back. Society encourages us to accumulate a
lot of precious things at every opportunity and society is never wrong.
To acquire these things you will need lots
of money. So to be happy you must have a well-paying job. Probably this means
you will need to wear a suit every day and work in a big impressive office
building. Come on you colostomy bags, this stuff is obvious. You know you’ve
really done well when your job uses a lot of acronyms every day. It doesn’t
matter if you don’t know what they mean, no-one else does either. The important
thing is that you make lots of friends at your work. Then you can talk to them
about the acronyms that you don’t understand and they don’t either. Make sure
you talk slightly down to them though, because they are competition on your way
to the top – and more money. Remember, money makes you happy and also buys
things which makes you happy, so you should be fair scrambling to get to the
top.
Not only that, it gives you status, which
is the third thing you need to be a happy and complete human being. This is
better than your barely mammalian current state, trust me. Status means you can
lord it up over people. Your power and popularity will fill you with a
satisfying warm feeling. It isn’t undeserved smugness. It’s just how it feels
when everyone knows of your unending excellence.
With status comes a lot of attention. So to
best bask in that attention you need to possess the best Hollywood body you
can. Turn that flab into firmness meatbag! Looking good will make you happier
with yourself. If it’s too hard to get into proper shape the old school way
(and let’s face it, it probably is) its okay. Remember that happy money you’ve
been accumulating? The magic numbers in your bank account which leave you
feeling tingly inside? Well they can be put to use to pay for fun surgeries
which will take the bad stuff away from your body and insert fake bits which
are more suitable for a real human being. What a treat!
By this stage you are no doubt pretty damn
happy. But there is one more step. You need to find an Aphrodite to your Adonis
(or vice versa. I’m new age and firmly believe that woman can be happy too.
Equal rights and all that noise). Base this decision entirely on physical
appearance. Personality is like the beams and stuff inside a house, where as
appearance is like the wallpaper, stucco and ornamental fish pond. You can’t
even see the beams and things so they can’t be important. You’d buy the house
with the nice light fittings and expensive tiling wouldn’t you? So share your
life with the human equivalent. Because happiness is looking good together in
photos in front of famous things.
